


Forgiven not Forgotten

by Cooci



Series: Forgiven not Forgotten [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dragon Age - Freeform, Dragon Age Fanfiction, Dragon Age Lore, Dragon Age Spoilers, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, Drama & Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Fanfiction, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Humor, Love Triangles, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-04-28 06:31:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5081275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cooci/pseuds/Cooci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is not something to die over night, it's a brand that marks us forever. Some people learn to live with a love once lost, and although the hurt it might have caused is long gone, it will mark their actions through the rest of their life.<br/>This is my story of the relationship between Cullen Rutherford, Commander of the inquisition, and my own character Astrid Trevelyan, including many others from the previous games and books.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The morning air was cold; the dew from the evening lay as a frozen crust on the tents outside Heaven. Cullen had just sent the recruits to find something to eat after their morning run. At the break of dawn the workout began, first a morning run and later weapon and combat training. Not all who had joined the inquisition to fight was in shape for any battle, therefor was the morning run invented. Not to expose any one as the lesser, all the recruits had to participate, including the Commander who stood as the good example. It worked as fine motivation for the newcomers, and it helped the Cullen clear his head when the nightmares were at its worst. Taking a moment to rest before joining the rest of the officers, Cullen leaned against the wooden palisade, listening to the calm before the rest of Heaven woke up.  With a deep breath, filling his lungs with the crisp morning air enjoying the moment of silence, a silence unexpectedly interrupted when the sound of metal on metal filled the encampment. Somewhere in the noise, he picked up Cassandra’s voice.   
“Use that shield! It should protect you, not the other way around!” Cassandra shouted, to whom Cullen did not know, since Cassandra was not training the recruits until later that day. As he turned the corner, he found the unfortunate soul, the Seekers student, was no one less than Astrid Trevelyan, on the ground soak in mud and wet snow, moaning from the last impact from her teacher.   
”You are sure on that Cass? Maybe I'm not the Herald of Andraste but the herald of the weak and defenceless shields; they need protection from wicked people like you.” Laying on the ground Astrid sighed, equally in defeat and sarcasm. Cassandra only made a grunt in response.   
“Just a question Cass. Since you have beaten me in combat, does my title pass on to you then?” she raised a pointing finger at Cassandra and shouted “Hah, tag you're it!!!”  
“You don't get away that easy.” Cassandra chuckled. She almost smiled.  
The two warriors had evolved a fond friendship during their travels in the Hinterlands, though Cassandras strict attitude did not reveal their friendship, it was there.  
As Cullen approached, Astrid rose to her feet, before brushing off the worst dirt. Never before had he seen her in such a mess, normally she was clean first, well dressed and carried herself with a decent demeanour. The common man’s perfect image for the Herald of Andraste. However, this morning she wore a once white linen shirt, which soaked in mud and dried up snow was a dirty grey, as it stuck to her body, showing of her figure. The long honey blond hair all tangled, clinging her sweaty forehead, not in its usually bun or ponytail. More or less the only thing to identify her by was the eyes, still shining emerald green though her smeared face.   
Astrid shook her head “It's no use Cass, I have two left feet and I'm tired wrestling with the mud. Can’t you just find someone else to be your figurehead, before I hurt myself any further?” Astrid sat her shield down and leaned against it. Cullen could see she was already exhausted, and wondered how long they had been out here. Considering the bruises on Astrid and her shield, he guessed no less than an hour if he knew the Seeker, and she was not the sort of teacher who would go easy on any student of hers. A grunt slipped from Cassandra, it clearly annoyed her that they had not had any progress yet. Which was why he had to interferer before Cassandra could do anything rash. “Excuse my interference but is there a kind problem?” he asked.  
Astrid sighed “I had no real combat experience before the inquisition, back home it was mostly for eksercits, nobody there was attempting to kill me.” she glared at Cassandra with the hint of a smile” So I asked Cassandra to be my sparring partner.”  
”It would help a great deal if followed my instructions.” Cassandra cut off.  
”Well Cassandra you know, teaching does not imply knocking your student in the head with a book nor a shield, you have to instruct and direct them”. Cullen chuckled.  
Astrid glanced at him, a smile started to form on her lips, though it did not reach her eyes.   
“The Heralds offence and swordplay is fine, it’s her defence that gets her injured. However she broke two ribs at Therinfal Redoubt, because of her weak defence.”  Cassandra grunted annoyed. ”Well what do you suggest then Commander, because I'm running out of ideas.”  
Cullen knitted his brows, arms crossed in front of him. The situation annoyed him, he should been informed about the Heralds injury, as well should the other advisors. Then they could have initiated some proper training with at professional, or at least someone who knew how to reflect good tutoring.    
”Good, take positions.”   
Astrid had mentioned doing eksercits, which properly had been for the chantry considering her family’s affiliation, gave Cullen a possible clue to where the flaw in her defence was. Both women lined up ready to follow his instructions, Cassandra like a brick wall determined not to yield. Astrid was far more textbook, and any honour guard-captain would be proud in presenting her as his first. Cullen walk up behind her, and adjusted the posture of her shoulder and hind leg, she followed his directions without objections.  
“Cassandra, are you ready?” Cullen called out she nodded in response.   
“Commander? Are you sure you shouldn't move back a bit, or we’ll both be in the mud in a second” Astrid inquired in a precarious voice. Cullen did not answer; he stayed behind the Herald and signalled to Cassandra come at them. The adrenalin started pumping, preparing himself for what was about to happen.  
“Now Herald, when she hits us, push your shield forward and then up. “ He said with a low voice only for Astrid to hear, and placed his right hand on her lower back ready to support her on the upcoming impact.   
As Cassandra hit them, Cullen nudged Astrid forward; all the while she followed his instructions pushing the shield forward fending of the attack, send Cassandra of stumbling backwards. Astrid did not move, taken aback that she had not ended up on the ground, she let out a cry of joy. Cullen could not help himself smile at her reaction to their little victory.   
Then a sudden wind caught her hair sending it flying backwards. It didn't hit him, but he found himself embraced by her scent, a mixture of steel, leather, her lavender fragrance and a light hint of sweat. Cullen felt captivated all his senses energized and suddenly he was aware, just how close he stood near Astrid, his hand still on her low back. He felt the heat rushing to his head, instantly moving to get some distance between them. Astrid had not noticed. She seemed more focused awaiting Cassandras response. Standing there for a moment Cullen began to study Astrid unconsciously. Her body was muscular but still had a very feminine shape, completed with a slight waist and curved hips. Not like some of the younger girls they had recruited, which Cullen sometimes fear would break in two if they were send into combat. Astrid had the body of woman, which Cullen had not noted before, and now he could not get the image of her in her transparent shirt out of his head. Meanwhile Cassandra had recovered from her stumbling. Cullen raised his hand to scratch his neck. He suddenly felt nervous and out of place.  
“Well. “ He cough trying to clear his throat “That seemed to work.”  
“Indeed” Cassandra confirmed validating Cullen’s effort had managed what she could not.   
“Don't let it go to your heads. I cannot possibly have the Commander following me around as my personal support beam. ”Astrid reminded with a teas.  
Cassandra chuckled, while Cullen did not know what to make of himself.  
“You just have to get better.” He stuttered as reply  
Astrid squinted puzzled at him, not expecting the rather harsh respond. _Makers breath why should this suddenly be so difficult_ , as he felt the blushing spreading across his face.  
“Ehm... I did not ….  I meant you wouldn't need me..” Cullen sighed, “Your problem is your compositor is not preparing for a real impact, so you lose balance. It’s a common problem for people who have served as honour guards.” _thank the Maker_ he managed to end the sentences, not harassing the Herald any further. “It will be easy to teach you how to avoid it.”   
A smile once again spread across her face, and her eyes got their usual light back. That little glimpse in the corner of her eyes had caught his and would not let go. For a moment he just stood there glancing at Astrid, not noticing the awkward silence he was causing, not until one of his captain suddenly emerged next to him, asking him why Cullen didn't show up to plan the recruits training. Distracted Cullen glance away for Astrid, who could stop giggling obviously award of his awkward staring.   
“I'll be with you in a minute.”  
Still smiling she walked up to the Commander gaining his attention once more  
“I'm very thankful for your help, if you could spare some time later I would appreciate it.” Her smile turned sly. ”And my bruises would too, very much in fact.”  
Cullen had never before noticed how natural beautiful she was with her feminine jawline and elegant cheekbones. When she smiled, wrinkling the old scar she had, right above the right brow down to her cheek, she was absolutely breath taking.  He pulled himself together. “I'll gladly help you, but I think the Herald has been beaten up enough for today, and you should reconsider your sparring partner” he added,” I find Blackwall didactics might work better than the lady Cassandras.”  
Cullen then turn on his heels and hurried away, “I’ll see both of you later at the war-table” he muttered, walking away at bit to abrupt, but he couldn't stand one more moment of embarrassment. As he walked away, he heard Astrid laugh.  
“Andraste preserve me Cass, I'll be walk funny all day after that beating.” Then both women start laughing. He had to get back and focus on his duties, which for the first time in his time as commander caused his difficulties, as his thoughts kept wandering back to the private lesson he had interrupted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beware there will be DAI spoilers below !!! You have been warned

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The throbbing in her head grew constant to a point where Astrid couldn't ignore it. Slowly opening her eyes, at first everything was blurry then a cave started to form around her.

Her limbs was stiff and chilled from laying on the hard stone floor. With stiff movements, she tried to sit, only to find her hand wouldn’t support her weight, it was broken. The chants of light promised an afterlife with no pain, and she was certainly in pain, so much in fact, that she couldn't point out all her injuries. She sat up and glanced around concluding first of all she wasn’t dead second she had ended up in a cave after running from Corypheus. The old ruins beneath Haven was the herald’s best guess. One thing was clear; she couldn't get out the way she had gotten in, since the opening was now covered with rubble and snow from the avalanche. A slight draft touched her skin turning Astrid to search for its origin. There in the far end of the cave ruins, was a crack that might be big enough for her to slip thought. She slowly rose to her feet, only to be overwhelmed by dizziness. For a moment she was forced to stand still cupping her head. As the dizziness fell, she noted the sticky accumulation of blood in her hair and in the back of her head. She must have hit her head during the fall, which too would explain her being unconscious until now. The fissure turned out to be too small, if she were to fit through it with all her armour. She took off the larger parts, thus she only kept the arm and leg braces, and crawled thought the crack leaving her shield behind too. In fact she felt relieved without the extra weight, with all her injuries it would have tired her down within hours. Finding herself in some underground tunnels with no light to guide her, only the slight breeze which grew stronger with every turn and twist of the tunnel. The throbbing in her head wouldn't leave, and walking only made it worse. What wouldn't she give just to lie down, hoping for someone to find her. Were they even searching for her, or had they presumed her dead? Astrid was afraid the last was the most likely, even she was surprised to be alive.   
 She had the weirdest kind of luck, first the conclave and now this. The reason she had attended conclave in the first place, was because her Father sought the good grace of the Chantry, and therefore bestowed Astrid as a guard of honour to the grand cleric of Ostwick. Not that it had crossed her or anything, it had been a part of life for many years for the youngest child to Bann Trevelyan. Being the youngest in addition to an afterthought, there had never been much destined for Astrid. Once at a ball another young nobleman from Starkhaven had painted the pretty picture of their places in the families; “… _They have the heir the spare, and then they us”_. Astrid even had one more sister, but she was married to some well-influenced nobleman, so in a way she too played her part. However the avalanche had been her own idea, if she could buy the people of Heaven time to escape with her actions, with her life, she would gladly do it. She had always loved the stories of champions and chevaliers, especially the tale of Avelin the chevalier was her favourite, and how they sacrificed their life for the greater good, or best of all for their one true love.

 

Finally she reached the end of the tunnels, only to find herself somewhere in the mountains in the midst of a blizzard. Astrid sighed; there was nothing heroic about her situation, she was no hero, she hadn’t really saved anyone, she was a no-good-warrior freezing to the bone and dizzy from her blood loss. Worst of all she was lost, and returning to Heaven wasn't an option. She had to press on, stepping out of the tunnels and into the snow. At first step she sank down into knee high drifts of snow. Although she was freezing, she was glad to be without the heavy armour in the deep snow. It might have shielded her from the wind but it would have weight her down in no time, and the cold metal wouldn't have aided her lowering body temperature. Step by step, she fought her way thought drifts of snow, not knowing whether she was heading in the directions the others had fled. She tried to seek for the treeline Cullen had mentioned, but it was impossible to see anything in the blizzard. She wrapped her arms around her chest, trying to keep her gambison close to her body, containing what little warmth she had left, while wondering for what had happen to the people she had tried to safe. She had seen the signal fire gone up in the horizon before she discharged the trebuchet. The expression on Corypheus face had been priceless, and the thought left a smile on her lips. She was sure that the majority had survived, she had great faith in Cullen, and his abilities to guide the people of Heaven to safety.  
Thinking of him, let her back to this very morning were Cassandra had beaten Astrid a lesson or three. In truth, Astrid had had a hard time forgetting the former templar, ever since she first meet him. She had thought him attractive, and every opportunity she had tried to flirt with him. Nevertheless, her attempts must have been poor, because Cullen hadn't followed up on any of her leads. Either he was really thick-headed or gay. She knew she wasn't the most enchanting woman, but at least the nobles back in Ostwick got the hint, and played along the games of flirtation. If he was gay the least he could do, was to turn down her attempts, instead of ignoring her, which was just rude. _Why did she always fall for the gay guys_? She shook her head trying to focus, if she was getting out of this alive, she needed to be present. This was not the time to think about Cullen's hands on her shoulder and hips adjusting her composition, his breath on her neck whispering instructions in her ears.

“Andreaste preserve me, focus Astrid focus”. She said out loud and sighed “He properly finds Dorian more interesting than me.” So now she was talking to herself, well at least she couldn't be contradicted then. She let out at weak laughed. Her laughter was disrupted, when she heard a wolf howl followed by several other, sending shivers down her spin. The level of the howls told her that the wolf was far way, for now. She boosted her pace, the pack would soon find the trail of blood she left behind, one of her wounds must have gashed, as the blood on the snow was fresh and crimson. Within the haze of the blizzard Astrid noticed the amount of trees had increased around her, to what almost could be called a smaller forest. The trees sheltered her a bit from the wind. The pack of wolf closed in, freezing to death was no longer her greatest concern. She shuttered as she felt despair crept in on her.   
”Maker! What do you want me to do, what do you want from me?” She spoke out into the dark, as she fell down on her knees from exhaustion, a tear fell down her cheek as she whispered ”Andreaste guide me” Seeking comfort in her hopeless situation, she quietly began recite the first Canticle that fell to mind:

”O Maker, hear my cry:  
Guide me through the blackest nights  
Steel my heart against the temptations of the wicked  
Make me to rest in the warmest places.  
  
O Creator, see me kneel:  
For I walk only where You would bid me  
Stand only in places You have blessed  
Sing only the words You place in my throat  
  
My Maker, know my heart  
Take from me a life of sorrow  
Lift me from a world of pain  
Judge me worthy of Your endless pride  
  
My Creator, judge me whole:  
Find me well within Your grace  
Touch me with fire that I be cleansed  
Tell me I have sung to Your approval  
  
O Maker, hear my cry:  
Seat me by Your side in death  
Make me one within Your glory  
And let the world once more see Your favour.  
  
For You are the fire at the heart of the world  
And comfort is only Yours to give. ”

 

Astrid ended her pray with a sigh: ”Maker please give me a sign that I am doing your work, a hint that I'm following the right part, I need your help.” She hold her breath before she cried out ”Anything!”   
She sat there in snow awaiting a response as she found herself broken and hopeless, the only thing she received was silence, and the howl of the merciless wind. Then suddenly Astrid head the shriek of an animal in distress, a horse if she wasn't mistaken.   
”Wonderful, you sent me a horse. That might be useful,” She glared at the sky, and shook her head: ”I don't think I'm in a place to be ungrateful.”  
She strained back on her feet stumbling towards the sound of the horse. Astrid got close enough to identify that the Maker-send-horse was one from Master Dennets flock, and not just any one. It was the red mare that Master Dennet, HORSE MASTER Dennet, had given up and only brought along hopping to breed on her potential, since she wasn't manageable in any way.   
”Of all the horses you send me miss-UN-persuadable.” Astrid sighed ”Well the Chant never claimed that our Maker, was without humour.” She walked up to the mare, whom had entangled herself in some trees with the rope attached to her halter. Somebody might have tried to rescue her out of Haven, before she ran off and got lost. Astrid glancing at the mare before she reached her good hand out, and untied the rope from the halter, she was well build, strong and muscular,  her eyes intelligent as well as filled with dread. When the mare was freed, she bucked high in the air overthrowing Astrid, who fell down on her back. It all happen too fast for Astrid to understand what occurred, except that her horse was gone. Laying in snow, all hope slowly left her, even if she got up one more time it wouldn't matter. She couldn't even feel her limbs any more, they were far too chilled. Then suddenly to Astrid's big surprise, she heard the sound of fighting. She lifted her head and saw the mare battling three wolfs. Was the mare defending Astrid or just herself? The fight didn't go on for long as the horse unwavering fought back the wolfs. Astrid let her head fall back in the snow as she heard the wolfs whined in defeat while they ran away.

”Well aren’t you a fighter” Astrid declared dryly, stirring at the sky above remaining in the deep snow, wishing she just could fall asleep, escape the cold, the pain, the exhaustion all of it.

But the mare wouldn't allow it, she walked back to Astrid caressing her face with her soft hairy muzzle. Astrid open her eyes, beholding the mare. The horse snorted Astrid in the face looking, at her as if the horse said “ _what are you waiting for, we should be moving on_.” Astrid sat up and stroked the horse's forehead.

“So lets call it a truce?” Astrid offered the horse, felling utterly mad speaking an animal “I will need some psychological treatment if we survive this.”   
Astrid rose to her feet and tied the rope to the halter as primitive rein's.  Knowing that she wouldn't endure, if she had to keep walking. Her only chance of survival was riding the mare, not knowing whether the horse would let her. Using a boulder as elevation, thus Astrid could climb onto the mare's back, and to her great surprise the horse stood completely still, patiently awaiting her fatigued rider to ascent.

  
When on the horse, Astrid took the rein's, not that she intended to use them, they were there to ensure her illusion of control. On her own initiative, the mare began to stride, and Astrid had neither the will nor the strength to oppose her. Besides she recalled her old riding instructor; _if you ever were lost let the horse guide you, their instincts will guide them back to their flock_.

Feeling the heat of the horse, Astrid's body slowly gave in from exhaustion. She had to cling her fingers into the mare's mane, in order not to slide off. Being bareback on a horse was a soothing and familiar sensation. Astrid started to lean down on the mare's neck, like she had in her childhood, when fooling around with her family's ponies. Surrendering herself to the mare's instinct's, rocking alone the movements, Astrid drifted in and out of consciousness.

 

* * *

 

 

  Cullen rubbed his hands together, tying to keep them warm, since he was no longer near Josephine's campfire. He and the other advisers had been arguing for hours, until they had parted in silence, not able to agree on anything. Cullen snorted, at least they had agreed on the fact that were lost, not knowing where to go or what to do once they got there. He scouted the mountain pas where they had led the people though, to this side were it was possible to make camp. He took himself at glancing up there, hoping, wishing for a sign of their Astrid... Their Herald. I had been almost two days since the morning he ran into her and Cassandra, the same day as they .. as Astrid had closed the Breach. He had tried to object back at the war table, finding it to be to much for one day. The two women had kept quiet about their workout, apparently he was the only other who knew. So he kept it to himself, guessing that Astrid properly was too embarrassed. Cullen had otherwise not said much at the meeting, since he hadn't recovered the commanding use of his voice, and he had no  intentions standing at the war table babbling like an insecure schoolboy. Cullen smiled to himself, Astrid always tried to be picture perfect, to him she didn’t even need to try she. He wished he was able to comfort her, reminding her of all her achievements, all the things she already had accomplished with so little, and how badly he… THEY… the inquisition… they needed her now. But she was gone, and his last words to her was:”let that thing hear you!” He had cursed himself for that ever since, he had taken the decision for her, forcing her to sacrifice herself so the rest of them could live, and she had just responded with silence accepting her faith. Cullen had admired her from the first day, the way she had put aside all accusation, demanding that they dealt with the problem at hand, and then argued about her guilt in the Divine's dead.

He walked back to the area of the encampment where his soldiers had station. He gazed on their forces, not really seeing them. He knew many of them felt as hopeless as him, seeing there saviour making sure they would live to see another day, but they had also see the villain run of, while their hero perished. Not taking the bad guy down with her in her own annihilate. The real world was never like the stories. Cullen knew that far too well. He reached his captains quarters, and found captain Rylen

“Any news?” Cullen asked, trying not to get his hopes up too high.

“We have secured supplies, and aided those of our troupes who could survive with the little remedies we have.” The report was done; Cullen nodded appreciative hiding his disappointment. Rylen then added: ”There has been no sign of the Herald. I have sent out volunteers scouting, but still no sign Commander.”

Cullen smiled back at his captain. He and the soldiers had gone the extra miles for their cause, and their Herald. He felt blessed by their loyalty, and gave Rylen a pat on the shoulders “Thank you Captain, that will be all”. As he walk by the man.

Finding no rest among his soldiers, Cullen walked up to the mountain pas where, the scouts had their lookout over the encampment, including the valley in the distance, were Heaven once had been. The scouts greeted Cullen with ad simple nod, and offered him a mug of broth. Cullen gladly accepted, after drawing up his wool cloak closer to his body. The cold could defiantly kill you up here. A dark thought crossed his mind, even if Astrid had survived the avalanche, she had still been out in the cold for almost two days, and she would need a miracle to survive. All this would be much easier if their scouts just had found her corps, to him ignorance was no bless.

Cullen stayed with the scouts for a while, their silence soothed him.

“One of your riders is returning.” He noted to the group, as he spotted the horseman coming out of the haze that surround them.

 “We have no riders out at the moment, and all our scouts are on the east side, searching for a route forward.”  The leader of the scouts declared as he stood up: “That is master Dennets runaway horse, the one he told us not to waste time capturing.”

Cullen jumped to his feet. Could it be possible? He began to run towards the rider, who was clinging to the side of the horse. The rider must have spotted them, as he heard a sigh of relief, and then the rider began to slide of the horse. Cullen raced to reach the horse and caught the rider in his arms. In disbelieve he found himself starring at the Herald in his arms.

“Tada” Astrid groaned, a week smile on her lips.

Her skin was freezing cold, thus Cullen knelt down and pulled his cloak of wrapping it around Astrid. The scouts had caught up with him, and a couple of “Thank the Maker” was mumbled.

Cullen rose with the Herald in his arms, handing out orders: “You there get down to the ambassadors camp-fire make sure it is ablaze. You warm cloths and blanches now. You find some hot wine and you inform the other advisories that the herald lives. Now go, I'll bring her down.” the scouts obeyed without hesitation.

“There you go Commander, command them!” Astrid babbled

Cullen slowly walked down the mounting side: “You can take it easy my lady, you are safe now”.

“I know Cullen.” She smiled dimly, and tugged her face into his pauldrons. “You go girlfriend.”

Then she drifted into unconsciousness.

Cullen was left confused by her last words, why call him girlfriend? He pushed the thought aside, those Marchers had some weird sense of humour. She was alive, and that was more then he could had hoped for. A smile formed on his lips. She had called him by his first name. He felt a bit baffled, in a long time, no one had called him anything else but Commander or Commander Cullen. It felt strange but he welcomed the changes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All recognizable content belongs to Bioware  
> Astrid Trevelyan belongs to me


End file.
